she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
