I hate all girls vehemently.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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