I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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