Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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