Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
