im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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