Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
