Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
