I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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