I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
