Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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