watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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