2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
