i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize