If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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