We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
