my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
its not stalking. its research.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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