my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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