Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
