I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
