I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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