I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
