dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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