I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize