I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
