I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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