He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
