So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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