Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
