so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
