Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
