they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
