we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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