If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
