I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
