can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
