Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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