I hate your face
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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