I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
