The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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