im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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