I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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