I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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