I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
