I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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