You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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