i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All the doctor said was why
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
