so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
