the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
