Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just puked most of my soul out..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
