Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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