I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think I won the penis lottery.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize