Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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