i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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