Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
