Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
if i died would you start the facebook group?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
