I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
