that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
