I think I won the penis lottery.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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